Abundance

Bettina Colonna July 1980

Me at 16. Leaking depression and self-loathing.

At first glance this may seem to be a story about lack. It may seem to be about wounding. It used to be about those things, but it is now a story of abundance and a story about how we can and will manifest all that we desire.

I come from a wealthy family. Some people believe that this makes me wealthy as well but that isn’t true. I’ve always struggled to make money, though I’ve had a life abundant in healing and rich with the love of the people who matter most. Money though? It’s always been hard for me.

At some point in my childhood, I forgot what I was born knowing: I am fierce, worthy and incredibly valuable.

A big part of the reason for this is early programming around money and my ineptitude with it. At age 9, I was put in charge of a checking account that paid the bills for a future barn to hold future horses. At 9 1/2 I was torn a new asshole by my step-mother for not knowing that the bank took money out of that account each month because that’s what they did with low-balance checking accounts. I was called all sorts of names: stupid; incompetent; failure…Who was I not to believe it? She was an adult and I was a small child, or at least a mid-sized child, who had not been told nor taught anything about banking or balancing a check book, only about what a loser I was. I took her word for it.

I grew up in a nice home, with nice furniture, and we usually had a housekeeper who made beds and cooked supper. I was told that if I ever needed anything, just to speak up. So when I needed things, I spoke up. For example, when my last pair of underpants had holes it it, I’d ask for some new ones. And when my shoes had rubbed my toe nails off, I’d say that I had outgrown them. If I asked for what I wanted, I was told that it was déclassé and given whatever the adults in my life thought I should have. It wasn’t actually punishment having to wear Keds instead of Chucks, or riding a beach cruiser style bike instead of a BMX, but it sure as hell wasn’t what the cool kids were doing.

This really isn’t a ‘poor me’ story, so if you’re thinking ‘Rich Girl Probs’, you’re right, but you might want to continue reading because this is simply a little bit of back story. You might also consider reading on if you’re thinking that, because you are part of the problem in a world where devaluing human pain is seen as normal and acceptable.

My belly was full. My bed was warm and clean. My Dad loved me. Mom did, too, though I didn’t see her much while she in the mental hospital. After that, I still see her much and had the added bonus of her husband, who hated me so hard that she had to put me to bed with weapons. I wished I could use them at my other home, where I was never safe from sexual abuse. From the time I was 3 until I left home at 17, I on constant alert to avoid situations where I might be alone with my abuser.

103

We’re talking a recipe for a kid who fully believes she doesn’t matter. My self-worth is what suffered. I felt myself to be without value.

This, obviously, carried through into my adult life.

Is this your story, or similar to your story? We all have one, a story, and all of us were raised to either believe we were worth everything, or a little, or nothing…we were very clearly taught what others valued about us, if anything. And as kids, we believe what we’re taught. As adults, we have to figure it out for ourselves and it is hard work!

I have always had a hard time making ends meet. I’ve never managed to have a career, or even a job that paid well. I have overly relied on men to take care of me–my father or my second husband. I’m now 53 years old and don’t want to be living this any longer. I want to be able to support myself and my home. I will. I’m also deeply called to my spiritual work which is of great value to women.

There are so many story lines here, so many knots and tangles to unravel, but unravel them I will.

The first thing I’m doing, which is not actually the FIRST thing but the thing that is *right now* is to look at these story lines with an eye to whether or not they are real. Am I actually incompetent? Am I really stupid? Am I actually the only human being on Earth who is completely without value?

No. No. No.

Bettina Colonna December 1965

Me as a toddler. I was one fierce little kid! Looking like I was ready to ride some dragons back then.

Those are other people’s story lines, and even in my darkest suicidal moments, I never believed them completely. The more I heal, the less I believe any of it. Thank you Aries Rising for giving me enough fire to burn through this and to finally come into the realization that I’ve carried these beliefs with me for agonizing decades and that I can finally lay them down and create my own life of abundance and worth. I can. I will. Do this.

A few days ago a friend reached out to me to do some work for her, a Clearing to create some energy flow in her business. As I was preparing to go to work there, I realized that I had a dialogue running in the background of my brain. As I listened to the dialogue, what it was saying, I was absolutely appalled. The phrasing was something like, “This poor woman. She must be really desperate to hire me. Too bad she didn’t hire someone who actually knows what they’re doing.” It is HARD for me to write this. To share it. It is so ugly…and so telling. None of this had anything to do with the friend who hired me. It had everything to do with my own assessment of my value as a human being.

Immediately, IMMEDIATELY!, I intentionally changed that dialogue.

The new one is more like this, “I’m so glad that my friend understands how amazing I am at Space Clearing! I’ve done extensive training, I’m deeply grounded and connected to my work and I allow grace and love to flow through me to create that resonance as I work. My friend is an amazing woman who understands the value of this work. She also sees that we have the great good fortune to live in a community brimming with opportunities for connection and healing *in person*!”

That day I went to work on her business with the new dialogue of gratitude and abundance running, intentionally, in my mind.

The next day my friend called. She sounded really happy! Not only had her business had a burst of income, people had noticed the shift in energy *and* she had been called to her own dream job, leaving her business in the capable hands of her manager.

This. This is what comes of unraveling the stupid story lines we carry around with us. This is what happens when we tell ourselves the truth about our own value. Not only was my client thrilled with the outcome, she has hired me to come back weekly! Imagine!

Keep doing your work, people. Hang in there. We can and will manifest our desires.

 

 

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